Hmmm…These last two decades I have spent working for “the man” has been really interesting. I have gone through a rough time pondering this massive change in my life.

I have always had businesses since I was little. You know, newspapers, lawn service, bands, etc…All of them have been successful and all have come to a conclusion more or less. I have always liked being my own boss. Hot tip. My boss (me)  is extremely harsh and worries a lot. I’m only as good as my last at bat. He speaks to me much like Bobby Knight spoke to his basketball players…

I have since expanded to Real Estate (Which is an awful lot of work) and I have an investment advisory business.

I am reluctant to say much about this advisory business other than after I received my first paycheck my wife looked at it and cried.

These were not tears of sadness. They were tears of relief and joy.

I remember hearing the little whispers of doubt in the background. I was on the “call” list from all my friends and family. Will he make it? Will he fail? What will they do? What is to become of him? I am worried for his family ….Blah blah blah.

My sister, daughter, mother and father looked everyone straight in the eye two months ago and said to anyone who would listen “you aren’t going to believe what you will see next”.

Even I didn’t believe it.

My wife lost so much sleep she became physically ill. Doubt and worry of the unknown will do that to you.

I’m here to share a little secret. I was scared to death.

NEVER underestimate the power of your advocates. When I fell down they literally carried me through my worries and doubts.

Flash Forward.

The sleeper has awakened. He is angry.

Angry at who? I’m angry at myself.

How could I have doubted myself so harshly? Why didn’t I do this years ago? What was I thinking?

No worries….My (our) anger is a gift. Harness its energy to propel yourself to bigger and better things.

On to the next deal….Let’s Rock!

Peace be with you,

Bobby

Hmmm let me see, where have I been? I think it safe to say that I have been in a state of purgatory for a little while.

In my little world of work it gets a little bit crazy when you change jobs from one company to the next. You literally resign on the spot, take all of your belongings and walk out the door to begin working for your new company as soon as they legally release you from your old place of employment. In other words, you start work on Friday night and don’t look up until you are finished several weeks later.

You don’t have much time to say goodbye or even think about the relationships you leave behind. That is one part of the job I despise. Unfotunately, they are beginning to lay people off from that office now that I have left. I feel terrible.

Life was so stressful I seriously contemplated suicide. The ONLY think that kept me from dying is the love I have for my daughter and wife. Never underestimate the power of love. In my case it saved my life for I was haunted by a lone gunman who wanted to end everything for about a week.

I am now a Senior Vice President for a new company; Partner of our own Real Estate business and a director for a Charitable Foundation.  

I am overwhelmed by the love and support I have received from my friends and family. I would be nothing without them.

For weeks, I thought the light at the end of the tunnel just might be a train. I’m beginning to think it could be sunlight.

Flash Forward….

I am alive. I am relatively well. I turned 46 years old on Saturday. I am running races and exercising like crazy.

I have been following you quietly. There are several of you I love. Some of you don’t know it so I may make it a point to tell you over the next coming days. Please accept it for it is all I have to offer.

Stay tuned.

Peace be with you,

Bobby

A new twist on an old picture. This one taken for Christmas 2009.

Bullet points.

This could be short or could be long. I don’t know.

1)      Racism. I‘ve seen some discussion on the subject in KCL. All it takes is one human being who is different than another and BOOM you have potential for conflict. Education is the only way to solve racism.

2)      Straight A’s continue for Jovana, our exchange student. The kid should be an engineer. Unfortunately, they have no use for Engineers in her country. Engineers, Physicians and Lawyers are not well paid in Montenegro.

3)      Kelly has been pounded with snow these last couple of weeks. Friday and Saturday they are getting 15-26 inches of snow after having snow all week up in DC. Folks, we are from the beach where the snow never goes…It has officially freaked her out.

4)      Me? Oh I have completely lost my mind. I had two rentals come vacant at the end of January. One is rented already (Wonderful turn around and picked up 45 more bucks a month in rents.) The other? I should have it ready to show in the next two weeks. Those folks were not the cleanest humans on the planet. I will pick up an extra 45.00 bucks in rent there as well. Lots of work. Many long nights!!!

5)      Nurse Ratchet? Um, her mentor and old physician co-worker passed away suddenly about 2 weeks ago. He died of a massive heart attack. They worked together the day before he passed. She has cried everyday since. Not pretty. Actually, I have never seen her depressed. She is CRUSHED.

6)      My brother is working with one of the producers of Lady GaGa on some music tracks. They both went to Berklee together. Frankly, this is his big break. The downside? My brother is a monster in the studio. In fact, he has his own studio in his house. Killer. We are having a divorce party for him on the 8^th!!! It is official.

7)      My little sister? I love her. She is just back from a business trip to Atlantic City. She was excited. Me? You can keep Atlantic City. She has already fallen off the wagon on her running and diet.

      Hopefully, I can fix my golf cart tonight or tomorrow. I snapped a strut off jumping some dunes awhile back. Were we out of control? Yes. Was it fun? That cart should be outlawed.

9)      Superbowl? I see the Saints winning it unless Peyton Manning gets red hot.

10)  I miss you all very much. I still read you but have not logged on to comment or write. I think that status will be consistent for awhile.

Peace be with you,

Bobby

Yom Kippur ends at sundown.  This is the holiest of all Jewish holidays.  During this time they seek out forgiveness of their sins against God and others…Interesting that this is their holiest of all days. I think it to be the most lovely of all traditions and holidays no matter who you are or what you believe.

The fall is here and is evident in the way the shadows dwindle on the landscapes. I will do my very best to embrace the fall although I do not like it.

You can still find me on the beach in my spare time. My skin still reflects my time spent by the water. No worries, I’ll be there through the winter….

Things I love? Hmmm these things are beyond any little list.

This journal has and always will be about the people, places and things I love.

Stay tuned.

Peace be with you,

Bobby

Perhaps the best fishing pier on the planet….

Crazy stuff that goes through my mind…

I have to bite my tongue when someone doubts my playing ability on the guitar before I start. The doubts fade right around 10 seconds into my playing.

The macho code. Truth be told I am always quite spooked by sharks in the water when we surf. Big turtles and dolphins have startled the hell out of me too.

I still don’t understand hair transplant surgery on a dude. Vanity in men just makes me wonder.

I still feel like my Z is brand new after almost 7 years. I can’t describe my connection to that car. I have a similar connection to my Toyota FJ Cruiser.

My brother isn’t going to work out in our band. He has the talent but doesn’t have the drive.

I don’t miss drinking.

My friends and family are all worried about me. Some quietly, some openly. Perhaps I have retreated into my own little world.

I have dreams about buying a sailboat and traveling to the Carribean. I am actively looking for a big sailboat that will handle it.

I need to get pro access. I better find a box to send this hot sauce to Matt with my money while I’m at it…

I have to go to Williamsburg tonight. My “coach” has an office there. I’m so damn paranoid that my peers would know so I travel pretty far to keep it under wraps. It has never been a secret in this space.

I have depression issues when my beloved summer turns to fall.

Here is a paradox. I am very social and friendly. Underneath all of it I am a loner and would be comfortable alone for weeks at a time. That will never happen.

I haven’t slept well in months.

I am human. I’m not perfect. I have doubts and worries.

I think I’ll take a walk and clear my head.

Peace,
Bobby

Doing the solo acoustic mini set between sets…..

As many of you know I have used these journals as a sketch pad for all my thoughts.

Sometimes my thoughts are light hearted and filled with cheerful anecdotes. Sometimes they are dark and describe my doubts and fears. I simply share the good and bad parts of my life.

Mentally I am just crushed and it is spilling out of the little boxes I try to contain the “Crushings” in.

My kid is leaving for college the 28th of August. She is the apple of my eye.

My wife is on the tail end of menopause and is doing the hormone replacement therapy. She is 45 and must cry 2-3 times a day on me. She has and will always be my entire world. Nothing hurts worse than watching your soulmate weep in despair over situations and circumstances beyond any control.

I have no idea from one month to the next how my job is going to be. *My real estate ventures/returns have grown by almost 40% so there is a silver lining.* The markets? We are in for a long winter…..

This is summertime so you can believe I get my share of time on the beach with my family and friends. I can already sense the days are getting shorter. I’m going to Hatteras to surf this weekend just to blow out the cobwebs. Hopefully, the waves are 4 foot and glassy.

Jovana (Our serb exchange student) arrives in 10 days. I know the kid is excited. Apparently living with us is fun. When she returns to her country next summer we are going to be double crushed I am absolutely sure of it.

I have so much work to do that I can’t imagine going to bed early or watching any kind of show for the next several months. Painting houses, fixing porches, cutting down trees, plumbing, heating, cooling and lord only knows what else…all this of course on top of my career and charitable endeavors.

I see the central theme of my life is surrounded with uncertainty. I have never lived this way before.

I don’t like it. For many folks this is the exact spot they throw in the towel and give up. I confess, I have thought about it more than I should. That just isn’t in my nature. There is more love in my life than I ever dreamed possible so I believe I will be okay.

I just look at this part of my life like a hurricane. There will be some damage. The sun will come up and then of course you have to make a decision on the next course of action.

I’m like a cat. I may be injured and hurting but I’m not going to let you see it in 3d. In this space I am rather transparent.

I have been friends with several of you over the years. I have watched many of you survive some incredible ordeals. Many of you have emerged stronger and happier on the other side of these tribulations.

I am inspired by your successes. Your friendships are so very valuable to me.

Today is sunny and gorgeous. I’m going running with my bride on the beach after work. We will all sit down together for dinner and later tonight we are going to finish Jovana’s room.

Life moves pretty fast. I don’t want to waste a second of it.

Peace,
Bobby

Just another day I suppose. I am looking forward to the weekend although I expect today will be a good one once I pull myself away from work.

I’m forming my own company one day at a time. Currently I’m researching where to incorporate LLC companies and it is a real pain in the neck. Delaware seems to be the least expensive. Just another hurdle in a long process.

Keep Connected Live is changing their server so it will be down for about a week. Keep the faith. I am stunned and amazed at the little community and friendships that were born from Jayess.

I expect once Matty from KCL gets the server up and running it will be mostly smooth sailing.

I am melancholy today. Kelly is preparing to leave for college. My mother-in-law is already starting to cry when she talks about her leaving. We are all suffering from Kelly withdrawals. The kid is so much fun to have in your life.

This menopause issue has shaken Mabel up thus it has upset me. While she has wisdom in abundance it still bothers her when she thinks about growing old. It is human nature. She accepts the aging process but doesn’t cope well with her own mortality.

This economic environment is beginning to show signs of life. I often wonder if that improvement includes us in some small way.

My mid life crisis? I don’t like change…Change happens all around me however and therein lies the crisis. I’m beginning to feel like I am obsolete in a few places.

My brother’s wife finally moved out yesterday. She even left him all her trash. The boy is in full blown despair. My brother is an emotional idiot but I know he has feelings. At least he has custody of my niece 4 out of 7 days during the week.

I continue to feel an impending sense of doom. I wish it would go away. Depression can rob you of many things and I’m not willing to let it get the best of me. Sometimes it does.

Today is one of those days.

Only human.

Peace be with you,

Bobby

Boy the markets are sure taking a beating this morning.

Now we are coming upon the phase where we start to take a peek into the commercial/construction defaults at the banks. My lawyer buddies say companies are lining up outside their doors looking to bail on their businesses and long terms leases.

Unfortunately, we have a long way to go. Hopefully, I survive this mess. I’m sitting on a big pile of cash and not letting anything escape me.

So many of you wonder why I am so worried about this economy. How about if I describe to you what a bank really does and maybe the perspective will clear things up.

1) Residential mortgages.
2)Commercial mortgages
3)Construction
4)Credit Cards
5)Auto loans
6)Student loans
7)Home equity lines of credit

Some of them own brokerage firms. I don’t think we need to go down that road as it just makes matters worse.

Good grief. Are ANY of these lines something you are willing to do right now knowing the massive cutbacks on jobs,spending, and massive losses of wealth we have yet to finish enduring?

Ask yourself which one of these will improve first?

I’m not sure. Not really.

Depression? Not just a state of mind any longer… We are living it but the effects are muted due to government intervention.

My daughter turned 18 on the 14th. I am certain by the time she gets out of college things will turn around.

I am excited for her prospects. After the carnage she will be ready to face the new paradigm.

When I wake up and go to work; I dream of making the world a better place for my wife, daughter, family,friends and clients.

This is my silver lining. I cling to this sentiment as one clings to a life raft cast adrift in the deep Atlantic.

Sleep? No time soon.

Peace be with you,

Bobby

Me and Mabel on Valentines Day 2009.

You may recall me writing sometime in the fall about how things were going to get tough.

I wasn’t kidding.

It seems like every time you read the news you hear about companies either going bankrupt and or laying off massive amounts of workers.

Does it get worse? I expect it will.

You know my usual demeanor is relatively positive. I must confess I carry a heavy burden with all of the turmoil that I see and hear about. Some of it is personal as all hell. I’m very sensitive to all of these things of course and it is taking a severe toll on me mentally.

My best friend is about to lose his house. His wife can’t get a job. Another friend is ready to declare bankruptcy. Another can’t get a refinance on their home loan. Many are starving to death waiting for the axe to fall because their business has ground to an absolute stop. The sheer magnitude of doubt and worry is killing me. Of course my list is much longer than you care to read about.

I know of several retirees who have lost a big portion of their retirement to the market downturn and their hopes of ever regaining these funds is very bleak. I feel so bad for them. Many live in my neighborhood. Trust me these problems are all over the country.

I have seen several fire sales and foreclosures and none of it looks or feels good.

Its raining outside. I’m not feeling so good and to make matters worse I’m freezing to death.

I hate it when I don’t feel well. Really, I am a very fun and positive person. That is what you see on the outside and that is your impression of me as you watch me walk the path of life.

Want to know the truth?

For once in my life I have no idea what the future holds and my ability to see things ahead has turned very very dark.

I feel lost. I’m never lost. NEVER. At least not until now.

I am grateful for all the things I have in life. I’m not talking about the possessions either.

I’m talking about my friends, family, faith and health.

I can’t stress this concept enough. When you are well I am well. When you are hurting then so do I.

My pain comes from watching my friends and associates fall one by one. For many all hope is lost.

I am blessed with a wealth of friendships. That is true. I never thought there could be a negative side to this equation but there is.

Their pain is my pain.

It is killing me.

Peace be with you,

Bobby